This is not something everyone knows

I know what you all are probably thinking….she’s using this to get people to read this post.  Well you are kind of right. The reason is because this is part of my story that I want to share that may help someone.  It could also cause people to use an ugh face or something of the sort.  But like my blog is titled, This Is Me, so here we go.

I told a part of this story in my previous blog post, What I Don’t Talk About From High School, but a whole other part is about to be revealed, so my family, may want to stop reading.

I had issues with poor self esteem since I was a child.  I was very sick and spent a lot of time in the hospital under a respiratory tent.  My connection with people was very limited since any outside interference could make me sick.  Just imagine John Travolta from the movie the Boy in the Bubble and you will understand a small portion.  When I went to school, everyone assumed I was contagious and they did not want much to do with me.  When I entered middle school, I became seriously boy crazy, more than in elementary school.  I wanted to have a boyfriend like all my friends did.  The problem is that no one in my grade liked me that way.  I was the neighbor girl to one of the most popular families in our grade.  We all hung out and played basketball.  In eighth grade, I had my first kiss.  There was more after that.  In my sophomore year of high school, guys really started to pay attention to me.  I will let y’all read the other blog post for that information because I am going to move into adulthood.

As a young adult, I started to seek out attention from others.  I met my husband at age 20.  I was first exposed to porn when we went to visit one of his friend’s apartment and he had it on.  My husband immediately told him to turn it off, which he did.  Then in 2009, I got introduced to a book series that everyone was familiar with, Twilight.  I read all 4 books in one weekend and became obsessed.  This obsession turned into something much more when I began to read books that were more heavy in adult content.  Books about vampires and other supernatural creatures led to books about fictional rock stars, which eventually led to the Fifty Shades series.  Then the books got even more hard core than that series.  I was obsessed.  These books were on my kindle so it was easy to hide this addiction.  Some people knew what I was reading and even gave me suggestions of different book series to read.  This was much more than just an obsession with books, it became an obsession with sex, reading and viewing it. During this time, my life was going out of control.  I began to wish that I was living the lives of the characters in the books I read.  I know that sounds crazy, but I want to explain my mindset.  To make a really long story short, this obsession led me to do things that I though I would never do.  I became someone I did not recognize. I won’t get into that story because I don’t have the permission to do so. I almost lost everything.

Eventually, I received redemption and deliverance from this situation.  I don’t say this because I want everything to sound like it has been wrapped up in a pretty bow.  Just like every other sin that I have ever had or will ever have, it has been covered by the blood of Jesus.  To Him, sin is sin, and needs forgiven the same way.  I have difficulty when it comes to reading books for launch teams on my kindle.  I feel like I am hiding something when I am reading things where I am not holding it physically.  That is something I am continuing to work through and know that it is the enemy messing with my mind trying to remind who I once was.

Now that I have revealed something that has been on my mind to reveal for awhile, how do I feel?  I said that when I began this blog, I would be honest and transparent about my life and how I became to be the person I am today.  But when I read this, I don’t see disgust anymore.  I see a part of my redemption story.  I see Jesus.  He saved me, even if it was years later.  Genesis 50:20 goes into what Joseph said after encountering his brothers who tried to kill him and destroy him.  “You planned evil against me; God planned it for good to bring about the present result–the survival of many people” (CSB).  This is why I am writing this and each personal blogpost.