top of page

There are some things I am sure of. I love my family, friends and fur babies. I know my age….trust me do I know that! I know that I need a vacation. I also know that God has called me to write. I have written things for years, but lost the desire many years ago. This is the year that I have been called to it. God has opened doors that I know would have never been opened on my own. He has also shut a few doors that I wished He wouldn’t have. But I know and trust that He will guide me. He has led me to write 3 articles that are coming out in the next few weeks on different outlets. He has led me to become involved in around 20 launch teams, to not only learn, but to celebrate other writers for the work they have and are doing. I have joined a group to help me to learn to become a better writer. The reason I write all of this is that I want to remember who is in charge of it all. God had placed this dream in my heart since I was a child. My love for books has been a constant, except through and for a time after nursing school. I have been through a lot in my life that I know can help other people to not feel alone. This is how I learned that I was never alone. Being able to share my experiences in this life has brought meaning and has helped me to discover my path. It is not always easy to share things, but I know that I have experienced the redemptive power of God in my life. It has brought me to a place of feeling joy, becoming brave and learning how to be a warrior.

Lying here thinking about Mother’s Day brings about lots of emotions and thoughts. One thought is something I shared in a previous blog about never being able to get pregnant and knowing that I will not get to become a mother. That is something I have had to deal with over the last 4 years since my partial hysterectomy took place. I am surrounded by so many kids and have found my place as an aunt to them. And I love them as if they were my own. I also get to be a fur baby mama and I will take it. God knows what He has in store for me and I rest in that. The other thoughts are that my mother and grandmother aren’t here. They haven’t been for 5 and 4 years. My relationship with my mom was a roller coaster that had more lows as an adult and highs as a child. My grandmother was a constant in both my childhood and adult life. She was my rock. She was there on the day I had my partial hysterectomy and the numerous procedures and discussions before and after that. She emulated the way a relationship with Jesus should be. She read her Bible and did her devotionals everyday until she just couldn’t because she wasn’t able to stay awake anymore. I miss her. I got to do so many things with her and I love looking back and thinking of those fun times. She was my best friend. God knew what He was doing even when I didn’t. He brought me back to Him through her getting cancer and getting to spend quality time with her during her last 9 weeks of life. I was with her every evening except for 1 or 2. I thank God everyday for that time because we shared so many things.

Now I deal with the feelings that come every year when people tell you happy Mother’s Day and don’t realize that it breaks your heart a little each time. They don’t mean anything by it, but it still hurts. This is not one of those “cry for me” post but I want to share about how awesome God is in every situation. He truly knows what is best for us even if we have no clue. Trust that He catches every tear and acknowledges the pain that is felt. Lean into Him and He will comfort you through all your storms and your triumphs.

Let me start off by saying, I can’t believe I am about to get this honest. Do I have your attention? I hate mirrors. I have one in every bathroom in my home. I have them in my car. And when it is dark, my windows act as mirrors. I have hated mirrors for a long time. I have struggled with that reflection for most of my life. I have felt not good enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, just not enough. I started having skin issues when I was a teenager and it is still there. Scars line my arms, as do new areas that come around. My chest bares this as well as my back and shoulders. These are the areas that no one sees. These are the areas that are only seen by myself and the mirrors. I see stretch marks that are from up and down weight issues that I have been dealing with for years. Also the stretch marks on my legs from an accident that made me unable to play tennis for over 6 months when I was 17. Back up to the face that still has acne…hello, does my skin realize that I am almost 39 not 16!!! And lastly the hair. The hair that is more temperamental than me! Depends on the weather, static or just because will lead to either leaving it down or putting it on a bun. The bun normally wins:).

Why did I just reveal all of this on a blog? I am wondering the same thing. It is not to lavish hate on myself or to ask for pity. I am writing this because what I see is so distorted by the descriptions of this world. Over the years, I have let the world define who I am and what I should be. But, that isn’t who I am!

God has a whole different view about me! He has one of all of us! If you have questions about it, read Psalm 139. We are fearfully and wonderfully made by God. He knew everything about you and I before we were born. He made us with His hands. He sees beauty when He looks at us. He sees strength, courage, heart, spirit, but most of all, He sees love. In fact He loves us so much that He sent His only Son to die for us so we can be with Him for eternity (John 3:16). God has standards that are way above anything in this world can offer! There is so much more in His love letter to us that lets us know just how precious we are to Him.

This is what makes looking in the mirror, as I am now, easier. Will I still struggle with the body issues, yes because I am still human. But instead of the harsh words, I will choose to start repeating the following to that image. I am strong! I am brave! I am a warrior! I am loved! I am a temple of the Holy Spirit! I have the fruits of the Spirit in me! I will not be ruled by the things of this world! God has made me this way and He has done the same for everyone who may read this. Believe this! Live loved! You’ve got this because He’s got you!

bottom of page